Day 3,567 in the Nanny June Care Home

The One Where It Was All Too Much.

Today was an exciting day. After rearranging this visit FOUR times because of close contact alerts from school - I finally get a visit. We have been off on a sneaky holiday from school for a week (11 days including weekends) so this is a perfect time.

Also the home tell me I can now hug Nanny June!!

This is a big deal. I have not hugged her since March 2020. 20 months ago. Nearly two years since I have hugged my mum and my mum has had a hug, not just from me but anyone at all.

I have a little cry in the car. Tell a couple of friends. People are excited for me.

I arrive at the care home and pass their LFT (after doing one at home too) and temperature test.

I am escorted outside and around the building and up the fire escape stairs.

I get to her room and she is wearing her sparkly jumper in honour of the occasion.

I am excited. But I know I can’t hug her straight away because that would freak her out. Random and too much. She was never a big hugger and not much for physical affection. So I’ll take it steady.

I introduce myself and stroke her arm and she loudly just says “DON’T”.

She is in a what can only be described as a completely foul mood.

Her opening words: “Don’t talk.”

I gave it a moment.

Then I introduced myself again.

“Oh God” she said. Truly annoyed at me starting to talk again.

And then she told me she was leaving and walked away. Away from me.

So a nurse brought her back. "Hey look your daughter is here".

Nanny June looked at me.

And slowly, deliberately and angrily left the room again.

And do you know what. I am angry too. Angry at Covid, because while dementia progression was inevitable it’s robbed me of a lot.

The staff are amazing and are sorry and say that this must be so hard. I say I’ll wait in her room in case she comes back. She doesn’t come back. She falls asleep in an armchair somewhere and I am escorted back out down the fire escape stairs.

I want to go home and cry. But I can’t because now I have to do the school run and don’t want the children to see how upset I am. They don't see Nanny June now because their memories of her are still positive ones but they knew I was going to get and give my hug today.

So I cry in the care home car park. Then I cry in the car. Then I cry and drive and hope I don't crash. Then I stop crying long enough to grab a hot chocolate from Greggs to cheer myself up (knowing it will not cheer me up). Then I cry in the car again in the school car park while I drink a hot chocolate I don’t want. Then I stand on the school yard not crying.

Then there are children spilling into their parents arms and that includes me and I’m a mummy again and not a forgotten daughter and I am still loved. And my friends are lovely when they hear what happened and I get phone calls and messages and I am still loved.