Day 3,548 (cancelled) in the Nanny June Care Home

The visit with so many failed attempts.

This has already been a difficult week. But I have waited ages to visit Nanny June and have to book visits when I can. Historically, Nanny June was extraordinarily pragmatic and minimally sympathetic. There was always solution to the problem, you just weren’t always going to like it. Covid continues to be the most disruptive force to any visiting. Covid infection rates are high but government restrictions are low... which means compassionate visits can go ahead but my fear of passing on Covid is strong. "Go anyway" most people say. But I can't. I can't risk making her ill. Or anyone else. The home are great and reassure me I am of minimal risk if I follow all the precautions and do the LFT and PPE. Thankfully the ‘warn and inform’ letters from school stopped after a couple of weeks, so I can now make the decision to send children into school and visit Nanny June rather than choose between the two. I constantly try and be the best I can. But this month I failed a few people on a couple of levels. There’s just not enough of me to go around and then I visit Nanny June and there’s not enough of her left to go around either. So I dwell in a place of wanting to visit and not wanting to visit. Because these are places that other people fear. Because walking with someone in a valley like this is bleak. Dementia makes us ghosts of our former selves. For them and us. Visits are tough. As are arranging them. After three attempts to book a visit I can finally brace myself for all the emotion being there brings... and then I get a phone call. Vomiting and diarrhoea at the care home, we need to reschedule the visit. Another week goes by without seeing her. And another week takes with it a bit more of Nanny June.