Day 3,338 in the Nanny June Care Home.

The One With The Great Pretender

It’s tough to get the timings right for visits. For someone who doesn’t do much Nanny June has a lot going on. I arrive just before Nanny June needs changing and turning. Although (I later find out) it’s because I have arrived they are changing her into clean clothes. There are multiple reasons for visiting relatives in care homes but this shouldn't be one of them. I understand why.

But...

It is difficult - I was happy with how she was. She didn’t smell. She looked comfortable. But she should be cared for like I was there - even if I wasn't.

I made the lighting softer. Played some of Nanny June's favourites. When the carers came in they put the lights back up and said they couldn't work the stereo otherwise they would have put it on.

We're left to it again.

Is the music too loud to disturb other residents? Strange to consider disrupting others when there is nearby constant cacophony of alarms and shouting and door slams. I reason it is like being in halls at uni. Make the noise or tolerate the noise.

The Platters carry the words of The Great Pretender along the corridor.

Oh-oh, yes, I'm the great pretender Pretending that I'm doing well My need is such, I pretend too much I'm lonely, but no one can tell

Oh-oh, yes, I'm the great pretender Adrift in a world of my own I played the game but to my real shame You've left me to grieve all alone

Too real is this feeling of make-believe Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal I seem to be what I'm not, you see I'm wearing my heart like a crown Pretending that you're still around

Too real is this feeling of make-believe Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal

She has bed rails up. Which aren’t rails. More like soft, oblong gym mats which are fixed to the actual rails. It gives her bed a cot like appearance. Fragility and frailty.

I am not sure me singing along to the music is anything helpful, my backing track the sound of the air mattress periodically inflating.

I have to go to a meeting and click back into another version of me.

Pretending that I'm doing well.